Kingless
by Shippo704
Summary: What would happen if Tamaki had never moved to Japan and formed the Host Club? 4 stories from the point of view of 4 host club members. All relationships are friendly unless otherwise specified. Enjoy! Rewritten 3 years later now that I can actually write (sort of) Warning for lots of angst and character death, minor language used, self-harm, and suicide.
1. Kaoru's Thoughts

**Disclaimer**: I do not own OHSHC (just copies of the manga for casual reading)

_Kaoru's thoughts_

"The one who is not me is Hikaru; the one who is not Hikaru is me. We exist together, as individuals, yet we cannot be split apart. We are twins. We are identical. We are completely the same but we are different. No one seems to get this simple contradiction that makes us up. The world must be full of idiots."

This is what Hikaru and I thought for our whole lives, as far back as either of us can remember.. At least, this was the case before we met Milord He changed our world forever, expanding it, growing it, cultivating it until we could no longer recognize what it used to be. He worked at our game while we abused him, and eventually convinced us that his stupid host club might not be such a bad thing to try. Temporarily, of course.

The two of us joined his club, fully intending to get bored and quit after a little while. One week tops is what we figured. Before, when we got tired and gave up on activities, we didn't care who felt bad or got because of our selfish actions. We just didn't care, and Tamaki seemed to be just another naive idiot who believed that we would play along with him forever. That just wasn't our style.

Notice how I said _wasn't_? That's why was so surprised when I realized just how much Milord had changed us. For the better, of course (not that either of us would ever admit it).

After that, I had gotten to some thinking, where would Hikaru and I be today if Milord hadn't tried to get to know us back in middle school? If he had never met us at all? If he hadn't gotten us to play along with his ideas? Right now, I am happy. I've grown up and become one of the co-directors of the Hitachin fashion line ad floral decorations along with Hikaru. I've met a wonderful woman and have since married her. I'm living a normal rich life.

It almost seems crazy, thinking about how we were back then. Not that we knew it at the time, but we were definitely depressed. We hated the world for being so boring, and we hated ourselves for not fitting in with the it. Contradiction, right?

This thought still troubles me: what if Tamaki had never met us?

* * *

><p>Study period. What a boring "class." Hikaru and I were playing an online RPG that we'd found last week. It only took about ten minutes to figure out the game and get good enough to do whatever we wanted. It was easy.<p>

Sadly, when it's that easy, it gets boring far too quickly.

"How about it Kaoru? Should we just quit? This game is getting boring." Hikaru asked.

"Sure Hikaru, You know how we feel about boring things."

"GAME OVER." we said together as we quit and powered off the machine.

Hikaru tucked the laptop away in his bag. We sat in silence, just staring at each other for a while. It might have been thirty seconds, it might have been ten minutes, I don't know, and I didn't really care all that much at the time. I was bored. I was tired. I know now that I was depressed, and I know that HIkaru felt the same. We are twins. We did everything together, at least until after we had known Tamaki for a while. But he doesn't come into this tangent.

Hikaru interrupted my boredom with a question, "This sucks. Now what do we do for the rest of study period?"

It was a very good question, but not one that I had an answer for, "I don't know, brother. Whatever we feel like, I guess?"

That just left us sitting there, isolated from the rest of the class. We lived in our own lonely world of just two, No one could enter, and we couldn't leave. Never could either of us have ever imagined our precious little world breaking or breaking open. No one could ever understand that we wanted recognition. Not just a simple "Oh yeah, that's Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachin. They're people, they're smart, they're fashionable, other meaningless compliments." We wanted people to distinguish between the two of us, but they couldn't just separate us. We are a single unit of two very different people. Those idiots outside our world just didn't get that, so we had to push them away.

We stared at the walls, the floor, the desks, each other, even our own eyelids until the period ended. Saved by the bell? Not just a saying. It's real. And new sound that provided even a second of relief from the endless boredom of our lives was a welcome gift.

Since it was last period, it also meant that school was over. We headed to our limo so that the chauffeur could drive us back to our mansion. The empty mansion. Empty except for us and the occasional staff member cleaning. We would be alone again tonight.

As it happens quite often, Hikaru and I are used to it by now. Hikaru and I do our best to occupy each other's thoughts until Mom and Dad get back from wherever it is they went this time. There was no reason to expect either of them home any time soon. Mom has her business meetings in Europe, and Dad has his electronics companies to manage over in America. They require personal visits sometimes, I hear. Upon arriving at the house, we would walk up the drive and enter the artificially heated house.

The silence in the house might be considered chilling by some, but this sort of atmosphere is almost normal for the two of us. Sometimes, when Mom and Dad had business trips at the same time, they would give all of the staff, save one or two maids, a vacation. If they weren't home, it's not like most of the staff would have jobs to do anyways. Hikaru and I either didn't exist, or they believed that we could take care of ourselves well enough. To this day, I'm still not sure exactly which of those they believed, and I'm not sure that I'll ever have the courage to ask.

I remember that I almost used to find comfort in this silence because I was just so used to being alone with Hikaru. Anything else would be an unwelcome disturbance to our typical lives. We give a simultaneous sigh as we head up the grand staircase, passing stunning flower arrangements that would have had most people staring. I suppose we'll probably e ordering pizza again tonight. Hey, maybe it's a commoner food, but who doesn't at least like _some _type of pizza? Crazy people, that's who. And people with no taste buds.

We sit alone in our dark and quiet room, neither of us picking up the phone to call. It's still too early for supper anyways.

That's when the familiar feeling stats to take over. The pain begins, creeping up from the diaphragm area, starting as a small tingling feeling. This small tingle quickly grows into an intense anxiety as it rises in my chest, our chests. I notice our breaths start to quicken in a futile attempt to flush out the uncomfortable feelings, but it only accelerates the growth of the pain. It expands into our lungs, making any breath at all a challenge.. I grip my shirt tightly, then cling to Hikaru as he clings himself to me. I hope for his brotherly support as he hopes for mine. We both want the same relief from this crushing pain, now drilling itself into our hearts. These hearts take it and bury it away, two hearts that will never open up to the world to share and release the pain. We won't even open them up to ourselves, for fear of the pain ripping us apart.

Maybe such co-dependence was a mistake, maybe it was unhealthy, but we didn't have any other options at the time. We only had each other, and neither of us wanted to see the other in any worse pain than he already was.

On this night, Hikaru told me something that I had never expected to hear from him.

"Kaoru, I need you to do something for me. You might object, but I promise it won't hurt me."

I was curious, and worried, to say the least, but not as worried as I was when he showed me the object he had been hiding in his hand. I don't know when he picked it up, but it must have been some time after we had gotten back to our room. He slowly opens his palm to reveal a small, thin, and very sharp blade.

"I want you to slice me, Kaoru, small but deep." Hikaru rolls up his sleeve and I can only stare at the single small red line on his arm. At least it didn't look deep, like it had barely drawn blood at all. "Right here, on my arm. You only need to go deep enough to make it bleed."

"Hikaru! I can't do that! It's a terrible idea! We shouldn't have to turn to something like that! You're my brother, and I care about you way too much to ever consider doing something like that." I stated, though not as firmly as I would have liked.

"Just listen to me, Kaoru. I would do the same for you if you asked. You can see, I tried it by myself once. You wouldn't believe it, but it helped. It was like some of the bad feelings flowed away with the blood from my arm. I couldn't go deep enough, though. I just got a few drops out, but even that was enough to feel better for a little while. Will you help me? And will you let me help you too?"

I know that I should have said "no" that day, and I knew then the implications. It was addictive, adrenaline and endorphins, I knew that I couldn't wear short sleeves anymore, and at the time, I was still nervous and unaffected. But I said "yes," and our lives changed that day. Hikaru just looked so desperate for a release, and I couldn't let him suffer any more than he already was. Not when I could do something about it, as much as I was opposed to this idea of hurting him like this.

"Okay Hikaru. Please forgive me." I tuned my head down as I accepted the blade he placed in my hand. I couldn't let him see the tears pooling in my eyes.

I put the blade on his arm just below the elbow so that it would easily be covered by our uniforms. None of that sleeve-tugging crap. I pinched my fingers tightly over the blade and slowly moved it across his arm, marking him with a bleeding red line. It bled slowly, so I mustn't have cut too deep. Thank goodness. Hikaru winced slightly as I started, but relaxed immediately after, even as I was dragging that piece of metal over his skin. He almost seemed to be enjoying the sensation it was providing. Did it really feel that good?

I found out just then when Hikaru took the blade in his hand and marked me the same way. At first, it was a shock. I didn't realize that he had taken my agreement as consent to cut me too. I thought I was only agreeing to help him, but he decided to help me too.

It was a thrilling experience. The first bite of the blade hurt, like getting pinched or getting a shot from the doctor, but it didn't stay painful. In fact, the pain was almost a relief. As the blade tore my skin, the tactile stimulation of the chafing against the side of the split just felt so new, so different. New things are interesting. New things are stimulating. New things are not boring, and anything that removes this boredom is good.

I suppose I was desperate, but can anyone really blame me? Blame either of us? This high was wonderful. A sharp pain accompanied by a consistent pain. It released the pressure building up inside, flowing out as crimson drops on my arm.

I knew then that I was hooked. We would repeat this every time we felt the loneliness start to sink in. We would never have to feel this bad anymore. We had a way to help ourselves, to hep each other.

As if sensing my thoughts, Hikaru leaned over on me and started sucking the blood from my arm.

"Hikaru, what are you doing? I asked.

""I am taking your blood into me, Kaoru. I need you to help me live. You are my brother, and I couldn't imagine my life without you. I'm not sure that I could live without you. You help ease my pain, and I am here to help ease yours. This just brings the physical pain more, releases the emotional pain more. Share your pain with me, I'll share mine with you. It's a promise, if you accept it."

I took Hikaru's arm up to my mouth and drank his blood. "We can't leave any evidence on the floor, now, can we?"

Maybe that was a little sick, but at the time, it just felt right. It was a promise, and it was a physical proof of our bond.

After that, we lay on the floor, huddled together, just enjoying the silent company of the other. After some time, maybe a few minutes, maybe a few hours, I ordered us two pizzas for supper. They arrived, hot, thick, gooey, and dripping with tomato sauce ad cheese. We ate, and we went to bed, feeling just a little bit lighter than we did most other days.

* * *

><p>Believe it or not, it was later that week that Tamaki came up to us to ask us to join his club. Hikaru and I only bear a few small scars on each arm. They're barely visible anymore unless you know they're there and are looking for them. We can wear short-sleeved shirts and not feel self-conscious about it. When people ask, we can just say that it was an accident from when we were kids. There isn't enough evidence for them to believe otherwise.<p>

If Tamaki hadn't come to us, though...

I'm sure we would have continued, maybe even gone further.

Over the next few days, we continued. Over the next few months we would have continued, gone deeper. Every day after arriving home from Ouran, we would repeat this ritual. Go upstairs, sit on our chairs, our beds, or the floor, and hold each other until the pain became too much. Then we would release it in a small stream of red.

We would be relying on these cuts to survive. Hikaru and I only made one per day, but maybe we would have gone further. Tried our legs, our stomachs, our shoulders, our backs. Maybe we would have cut multiple times per day so that we could get the same high that we did at the beginning. I wouldn't have even objected if either of us had made a much darker suggestion the next time our parents were gone for business.

"Kaoru, right now this ritual is giving us ecstasy and a temporary relief from this relentless pain that we feel every waking moment of every day. But this is only a temporary solution. I think we should make it permanent." is what Hikaru would say to me, "A final release from this pain would be the best, wouldn't it? Mom and Dad aren't coming back tonight, so how about it? No one at school will notice or care. They're all just idiots anyways, and I have a plan."

I might be uncertain at first, but I know myself and I know Hikaru. I know how our relationships work(ed). I trust my brother, and I trusted him at least as much back then. A final, permanent release from the loneliness that held us as victims would be welcome to me.

"Yes," I would say, "let me hear this plan."

"We need to die."

We would walk into he kitchen and take the pair of large chef knives from their spots in the knife block. Identical blades for identical twins.

We would be clasping our left hands together as we faced each other, holding the knives in our rights. Keeping perfectly calm, maybe a little excited, we would breath together and look each other in the eyes, knowing that what we were about to do would be right. One of us would me the knife to our left hand so that we could hold hands as we walked back upstairs to our room.

Our room was the safest place in the house, where we could always be together.

We found the spots on each other where the knives would slide through the ribcage towards our hearts, and held the knives thee carefully, my blade on his chest, and his on mine.

"When I count to three, we will push these blades through the other's chests. This way, we go together, you helping me, and me helping you. This will be just like the cuts, only bigger, better, and finally ending it all. Game over, right?" Hikaru would say.

"Game over." I would agree.

"1...2...3..." we would count together before we would feel the pain loom in our chests. It would hurt more than anything that we could imagine, but it wouldn't last long, before it would be over.

It would be beyond agony as we went deaf and blind to anything around us. Maybe the silence would e due to the blood loss, maybe it would be due to the lack of people in the ever-empty house, The only thing certain is that we wouldn't have survived and that we wouldn't have been found until the chef started looking for his knives and decided that he should ask us. It might take a few days and a lingering smell for him (or maybe a maid) to finally break down our door and walk in to find us dead on the floor.

Maybe they would have felt guilty for not noticing our downward spiral, our worsening complexions, our ripped up arms, or believing that we were sick and that that was why we couldn't/wouldn't leave our room. That wouldn't matter.

What would have mattered to us while we were alive would be how easy it was to welcome death and embrace it. Together, as brothers, helping each other to our final sanctuary where we no longer had to feel the loneliness that had become our every moment alive.

* * *

><p>Thinking back to the day that we met Tamaki, I realize now just how close we were to losing everything. At most, it probably would have been a few months before we would have gone as for as thinking about suicide, if for no other reason than that it would have been something new to experience if cutting became boring.<p>

Just by joining the host club, we gained so much. We began our lives, new, fresh. We lived real lives starting then. We _lived_. That alone is one huge difference in the outcomes. We became successes in our family's business. Milord really outdid himself, what he was trying to do y just getting us to socialize, open up, act kinder, and join his stupid club.

Yeah, it was just a stupid club, but it was also the best family that I and Hikaru had ever had.

I suppose this means that we owe him our lies, but he'll never know that. As much as I am grateful to him, Milord hasn't changed _that_ much since high school. He can still act like such a little kid. Telling him something like this... Let's just say that it wouldn't end well. His first aid kit would surely suffer as Hikaru and I beat the crap out of him for his hugging and crying.

I am truly grateful to him, especially knowing all of the pain that he endured by coming to live in Japan instead of staying France. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I wouldn't wish for anything to happen any other way.


	2. Kyoya's Thoughts

_Kyouya's Thoughts_

"As the third heir to the Ootori family, I am pleased to welcome my father up to the stand to give his final announcement before signing over the company into my very capable hands."

The audience clapped loudly. Each member was very interested in Kyouya Ootori. He was the third son born to his father, both of his older siblings held equally high jobs within the family business, yet he was the one would would be succeeding his father. The imaginations of the spectators ran wild as they speculated about just how talented, capable, and responsible Kyouya must be to have gained such a responsibility, especially as young as he is.

It was just as he needed. These sheep really believe in him. Since they are fully distracted by their admiration, he would be able to significantly increase his profit by exploiting them at this moment in time, or possibly even in the very near future. While they are pending and enjoying the benefits of consumerism, Kyouya figured he could continue this trend by employing skillfully timed marketing tactics and new products. These scum would never even realize that they had been used.

All of this success that he was experiencing, he could attribute to more than one source. It came, firstly, from himself, of course. He had worked hard, completely overshadowed his brothers, and came out on top as the most talented, most successful, and best person for the position. In a way he could also credit part of his success to Tamaki Suoh. That idiot was the reason that he had decided to try to outshine his brothers and prove himself worthy of leading the family business, instead of slipping into the meek role of the third son.

Without that man, he figured he would still be living underneath his brothers, watching from the inside as his own supernova imploded, destroying himself from the inside out and exploding out, taking his family with him.

* * *

><p>Kyouya Ootori, Transcript Summary:<p>

Middle School, 3rd year - straight A's, top of class

High School, 1st year - straight A's, top of class

High School, 2nd year - straight A's, top of class

High School, 3rd year - straight A's, top of class

Business School, Bachelors Degree - Earned with honours

Business School, Masters Degree - Earned with honours

Medical School, Graduate Level - Earned with honours

Extra-curricular activities - N/A

Volunteer work - N/A

I was always the best in my class, as was expected of me as an Ootori (after my brothers' legacy, too). Such is the duty of the third son. I know for a fact that I am smarter than either of them, and I know that I am more capable of doing their obs than they are. sadly, their positions are determined by birthright, not by ability.

Once in a while, I have even had to give them hints about how to do their jobs and not blow all of our hard work over such simple mistakes. It is my duty as the third son to support y brothers and to give them aid as necessary, but they should be the ones claiming credit. After all, they are older, and it is technically their job and their responsibility.

At least, in this fictional scenario, this is the case.

I might believe (know) that I can perform both of their jobs more efficiently and effectively than they can, it would not be my place to do so. I would just be an adviser, never coming up with the ideas myself (unless I can give away the credit) and only giving support and opinions that can be invalidated at any time for any reason my brothers may or may not give. Such is typically the duty of the third son. I mustn't ruin the reputation of my family by being anything but the loyal and perfect third son that they expect.

I am sure that I would be exhausted just about every day, trying to fix as many of my brothers' mistakes as possible, and I would probably calm myself down and relax with a good drink after. I do enjoy my scotch and whiskey now, sipping it slowly while relaxing in my house, maybe glancing over the paperwork one last time.

I would take one of my cars out to the nearest bar instead. If it were a particularly exhausting day, I would try to fit in with the others who share such miserable experiences at work, and drink while listening to loud music in some pub. Surround myself with people, give myself the impression of being social, while all the while actually keeping my distance from all others.

Pushing down my talents and ambitions every day would put me under a lot of mental strain. I know how much it hurts from that time I spent in elementary school and middle school, before I met Tamaki and did my best to be the perfect third son that my father wanted.

I would wish for someone to be there with me, to hold my hand, hug me, put a hand on my shoulder as a gesture of comfort. But that wouldn't happen. I would have given up on personal relationships in high school without Tamaki. That is not to say I couldn't be charming or act appropriately in social situation, but I would not have actively sought to make friends that didn't benefit my father's company.

Sadly, no one would just walk over and try to make friends with a useless third son like me. Marriage? That was never a possibility. I would have given up on that prospect a long time ago.

My chest would hurt a lot, anxiety and stress causing these reactions in my muscles. I know that drinking isn't a healthy way to cope, but honestly, I don't think that I would have given a rat's ass about my health at that moment. My health is often one of the first things that I forget about when I'm stressed and/or working.

I could probably walk into the bar without getting ID'd, being a regular around there. I don't even care that this is probably a bad thing, knowing that my drinking habits have gone this far out of my control.

Once I had the alcohol in me, I wouldn't really care anymore. Not about these thoughts, and not about the pain that was ripping my heart apart.

Three, four, maybe five or six drinks later, I would feel absolutely great! I wouldn't be able to see straight, glasses or not, they'd cut me off, and I'd just leave, opting to walk home and enjoy the weather, unless it was raining, of course. Let's assume that it wasn't. Not tonight.

Now, we can imagine the worst possible situation. I see one of my brothers walking down the street on the opposite sidewalk. Probably, I would be thinking some nasty thoughts about him, and maybe even consider shouting them at him.

More than likely, if they had to cut me off at the bar, I would hardly be in a state for shouting. I would end up sitting on the curb, nauseous, possibly, and most definitely tired. Sitting down, finding a comfortable position, I would likely pass out right there on the side of the road.

Of course, my brother would e thinking of our family's reputation and bring me back to his place to sober up, conscious or not. We wouldn't want to have one of the Ootori's in the paper, drunk off hi ass and humiliating himself and his family. It wouldn't reflect on any of them well just to be related to him. As if genetics have anything to do with participating in alcoholism.

When I wake up in my brother's house, that's when I would finally give him a piece of my mind.

"Hey there brother! I need to have a word with you!" I would slur.

"Kyouya, you aren't fit to walk or talk right now. Lie down. I don't want you running out and ruining our family, especially like this." he would reply.

"I'm ruining the family?" I would be appalled, "And just where do you get off saying that? You nearly ruin it every day! It's only because of me that it isn't already underground! And I can prove it! Just think about earlier! You were about to lose a very important customer. She has a lot of money and a very large social network! I subtly slipped you an out with the pamphlet that I gave you. If it wasn't for me, she would have left and it all would have been ruined!" Or some other example.

My brother would stand there speechless. Whether it would be due to lack of rebuttal, pity, or unclear drunken rambling on my part, would remain to be seen.

At this point, I would be so wrapped up in my emotions and my thoughts, that I would remember how much both of my brothers like hunting. They prefer to use rifles, but they both keep pistols locked away in their gun cabinets. As their assistant, I know their PINs for when I need to access private information. I would know how to get into the safe with the weapons.

I would probably get a strange look in my eye, one that says that I am about to do something horrible. My brother would recognize it and cautiously try to stop me.

Softly speaking, he would make an attempt to talk me down from my insane idea, "Kyouya, I can only guess what you are thinking right now, and I am warning you that this is a very bad idea."

Maybe he did know what I was thinking, but I wouldn't care. I was too drunk and far too emotional. I suppose those psychology courses weren't just blathering about nothing when they said that internalizing emotions was a bad idea.

It is what he would say next that would really push me over the edge.

"Think about what you'd be doing to the family if you killed yourself!"

It's really quite (un)fortunate that he always keeps his guns loaded.

And that I know how to unlock, load, re-lock, and operate each and every model that he owns.

"So that's it, huh? You only care about the reputation and how it would reflect on you if I killed myself. Not even caring a little bit about your younger brother? The Ootori family in a nutshell, that' what this is. Killing myself won't make a difference to you! I'm the third son! I don't matter! I'm only around to be used! Exploited! I should be okay with that, but..." I would break into a sob, "clearly, I'm not okay, right? I must fix this problem by removing it. It's my duty as the third son, after all. Fix the mistakes of my betters, my parents... The company will be a great success without me."

With that, I would break open the gun cabinet and put the barrel of the nearest pistol in my mouth.

My brother would dash over and try to stop me.

He would reach me, but I would have already pulled the trigger, no hope of missing or reflecting off of a piece of skull. The inside of the mouth is soft, and there is no bone between it and the brain. It's the most effective way to ensure that I'd die.

The bang would echo around the neighbourhood, no doubt leaving the neighbours curious about whose car was backfiring.

All the while, the cars would be in their prime condition, while my blood and brain matter would be leaking onto the floor of my brother's house.

* * *

><p>I am glad that I met Tamaki, or else I might not be here to receive this title today. Actually, I'm sure that I wouldn't be up on this stage, receiving this honour. I might or might not still be alive if it weren't for that stupid, obnoxious, annoying, utterly idiotic man.<p>

Of course, I am glad that I didn't kill myself. I don't want to, no do I think I will ever want to go through with such an act in the future. There's just too much to be done, least of all appeasing Tamaki. I can't believe he has the nerve to invite me over on the night I am officially declared head of the company. Of course, I also can't just refuse him. We've been friends for far too long, and he still hasn't grown up yet. I don't want to have to hear his tears every time we see each other just because I didn't go to his place for supper this once.

I owe him at least that much.

Just maybe, though, I'll walk there and take the scenic route.

He deserves to wait a little for taking me from such an important event, after all,


	3. Hunny's Thoughts

_Hunny's Thoughts_

Once again, I must consider myself a genius. I have finally finished working out the kinks in my new bunny projector. I makes hologram bunnies appear, and allows children to interact and play with them. All I need to do now is get it patented so that I can start making deals with toy companies for my latest engineering feat. Then, all of the children whose parents buy one can be happy playing with virtual bunnies.

Who doesn't like bunnies? They're so adorable and fuzzy, and most of all, _cute!_

Just the thought of making children happy, especially by sharing his love of bunnies and cute things makes me really happy! I think I'm going to buy myself a cake to celebrate. Takashi doesn't have to know that I'm cheating on the eating schedule he's enforcing on me. Seriously? I'm an adult now. If I want to eat cake, then I _will_ eat cake!

I drove to my favourite cake shop and ordered myself a vanilla cake (a small one, of course. I don't think I can eat an entire large one by myself anymore). I was even able to order the cake with a pink flowery decorative pattern. It's my favourite because it's the cutest.

While eating my cake (slowly so that I can savour the taste), I started thinking. I'm really pleased to have finished working on the bunny projector, and I have Tama-chan to thank for being able to make it in the first place. No way was it Tama-chan that got me through my engineering program, but it was Tama-chan who taught me that it was okay to like cute things. He taught me how to be me.

If it wasn't for that belief, I wouldn't ever have been able to make something as cute as a bunny projector, for fear that it would upset my Dad. He's always been kind to me, but strict about liking cute things. "Cute things are for children! Not for older boys!" That's the sort of things he'd say, or at least, that's the general idea.

Once, my Dad told me that true strength was the ability to overcome weaknesses. Tama-chan had taught me that true strength was the courage to be myself, regardless of the opinions of others.

I"m glad I met Tama-chan. I'm so much happier now than I was before I met him! Without Tama-chan, I wouldn't like cute things anymore, like Usa-chan, or eat sweet things like cake all the time.

It's a little troubling to think about, but I can't help but speculate.

What would have happened if I had never met Tama-chan in high school?

* * *

><p>"Okay guys, let's call a break for now." I said to my team, "That's some good work out there today. Make sure you keep working hard like this after the break."<p>

That was the day I would have met Tamaki. Just a normal practice. It was shortly after I had given up all of my cute things and sweets. I had locked them away so that I couldn't tempt myself. I even started trying to use tougher behaviours and postures to make up for my short stature. It was against my nature, but I did my best. Truth be told, I needed the break too. It was exhausting, trying to keep up such a facade. I didn't mind being captain of the martial arts teams, in fact, I enjoyed it. I couldn't just keep working without taking a breather every once in a while. My guys were tired from the exercise, so I can give them a break and take one for myself while I'm at it. Win-win and no one notices that I' giving in a little bit to my weakness.

I wandered aimlessly around the field by the dojo, collecting my thoughts.

I am the heir to the Haninozuka legacy, Mitsukuni Haninozuka. That is my name. I am a genius in the field of martial arts, none are my equal. Except for my Dad. He's still a far better fighter than I am, despite my youth. I am 148cm tall, and I love sweets and cute things. I don't care that these things are girls or for children, I just like them. I must put them out of my mind at all times. I cannot ever be caught eating sweets again or holding anything cute. Even staring at cute things might be a bit too much. These things are my weaknesses and I must overcome them to become strong. For the sake of the family, I must tough it out and ignore my natural interests. I need to have control, to prove that I can be a great leader for the Haninozuka clan once my Dad retires. I must not give in to these temptations and weaknesses. Not ever, even for a minute.

With this in mind, I walk back to the dojo, feeling slightly nauseous. Maybe I'm training a little it too hard. I hope it's just exhaustion making me feel this way. Food poisoning or something would suck. It would mean no food at all for a little while, and even non-sugary foods taste good most of the time.

That was what I was thinking at the time.

I overheard my guys talking to each other on the break as I headed back inside.

"Man, we have a demon captain. He's being so tough in the training."

"It's hard to imagine he got this good in even less time than we have."

"I can slowly feel myself getting better under his guidance."

I felt proud to hear these things coming from my team. They really seemed to be appreciating my effort! They could tell that I was strong!

"Okay guys, time to finish today's training. Work hard and try to keep up with me." I said to them.

An hour later, we were done, and my guys headed home. I had to make sure that I was out last to lock up the dojo for the night.

Takashi stuck around to wait for me. We lived nearby, so we usually walked home together after practices. The nauseous feeling hadn't gone away. It had actually gotten slightly worse over the past hour. Hopefully it's just exhaustion.

"Mitsukuni, is there something bothering you?" he asked me.

I had to lie. I couldn't show my weakness, ever. Not even to Takashi. "Nope, nothing is wrong at all, Takashi!" I smiled, tried to look happy for my friend.

"You look a little anxious for some reason. It worries me a little." he stated. Why is he so observant? I guess this means I'll have to get really good at hiding my weaknesses. I'll be really strong by the time I can fool Takashi.

"I must have worked a little too hard during the practice. I'm just a bit tired." He can't argue that one.

I didn't think he would believe it anyways, but he didn't push the issue. I like the respectful silence he gives me, letting me come to him on my own when I need help. That's one thing that hasn't changed about Takashi, after all these years. I hadn't even considered the exhaustion from suppressing my natural urges to eat sweet things and hold cute things would show this much, or be so pronounced. I suspect that Takashi already knows something, but I can't tell him that I want to go against the beliefs of my family just for some sugar and toys. That's selfish, and that's the opposite of strength. I need to e strong, and tough it out like a man. This man I become will always be able to take the pain, not matter how intense it becomes.

We arrive at my house, and Takashi lets himself upstairs to my room. My Dad calls me over hen I walk in the door.

"Mitsukuni, may I see you for a minute in our dojo?"

"Sure thing, father. Please let me put my homework away in my room first. I will join you in five minutes, if that's alright."

"Not a problem. I will see you there shortly."

I followed Takashi upstairs and dropped off my homework, then changed out of my school uniform into some more comfortable clothes. I had figured that Dad wanted to test my strength again, and fighting in school clothes is more difficult than in training clothes. He will wish to see if I have surpassed him yet, as he surpassed his father, and his father surpassed his father before him. With any luck, I will have equalled him by now.

My stomach tightened suddenly, like it was cramping. I winced and bent forward slightly at the sudden pain. I'm sure that it was visible on my face, but I was lucky that Takashi was looking away because I was changing. He didn't see my brief weakness.

I couldn't help but think a piece of cake might make it better... No! I couldn't think that way! I was boycotting cake and sweets! I just need to ride out the pain. Maybe I could have told Dad that I wasn't feeling well, and that we should put off the fight for a couple of days so that he could get a better measure of my strength. Dad's a pretty reasonable man, so he probably would have been okay with it. But I didn't ask. I tried to "take it like a man."

I made my way to the dojo as quickly as I could, all the while wondering what it was that made my Dad so strong.

I entered the room and kneeled on the floor in front of him, as is the custom.

""Mitsukuni, I would like to test your martial arts skills in the Haninozuka style of fighting. I will be measuring your skills to be the next leader of the Haninozuka family. Get ready." We stood, and he came at me.

It was a simple and straightforward (literally) charge. He sent a punch straight into my stomach from the front. I'm sure that he expected me to dodge it, but the painful connection sent me flying across the room to the wall. It hurt, but it almost felt good to be beaten to the floor. A fitting punishment for such a pathetic reaction time on such an easy dodge.

"Mitsukuni, that was terrible. You should have been able to dodge the punch easily," He scolded me. I just laid there. My stomach was turning horribly, between the nausea and the punch it had just received. Poor organ.

Dad left, and after a few minutes, so did I. I went back to my room to do the homework for the next day.

"Mitsukuni, are you alright?" Takashi asked me. I guess it was easy to see how bad I looked. I decided to tell a little of the truth this time. No sense in lying about what was obvious.

"It's just some cramps. I'll be okay. My reactions were dulled, so my Dad hit me pretty good. A Haninozuka needs to be able to fight and defend himself at any time though, so it was a good wake up call. I'll need to train harder and work harder in the future. Stomach cramps shouldn't bother me."

"Does your father know that you aren't feeling well? I don't think he'd expect you to fight well if you're sick."

"No, he doesn't know, but that doesn't matter. I need to work harder anyways. That reminds me, though, I have a question for him."

I ran off to find my Dad.

"Father, I have a question I'd like to ask you." I stated.

"What is it, Mitsukuni?"

PI was wondering if you could tell me the meaning of true strength." Maybe he could give me a better idea about what I had to do to become strong.

"What a wise question, Mitsukuni. Maybe you do have what it takes to be the head of the Haninozuka family in the future. True strength is simply selflessness; to give up on one's desire to become stronger, and to overcome such weaknesses in your heart. The body is easily trained, but the mind is not. True strength is the strength of your mind and its ability to obey strict commands, to give up on the desires that do not benefit the family or that would bring disgrace upon oneself. True strength is to become strong enough in mind that only duty and strength are ever on your mind."

That sounded an awful lot like me at the time, but I was still not strong enough to surpass my father. Maybe I just needed to try harder, even if it didn't feel right.

However, I did have one question about his logic.

"Father, is it still true strength if that is not the nature of the one who wishes to become strong?"

"It is even more of a strength when it is not the nature of the individual. Conquering one's thoughts is difficult, but conquering one's nature is even more difficult a task. The one who would accomplish this would be truly strong indeed."

Maybe he was trying to make me feel better, maybe he was being honest, maybe it was both, I'll never know. All I know is that it felt wrong, but it must be the truth if it's what my Dad said. He did overcome his own father, after all. He has experience. He must know what he is talking about.

"Thank you for the advice, father." I left to go back to my homework. Takashi was waiting patiently for me to start. I wouldn't know for a few months that he had been listening to that conversation.

I tried to do my homework, but had difficulty focusing. The cramps had gotten much worse, and I was pretty sure I was going to be sick soon.

"Mitsukuni, what are you thinking about?" Takashi asked me suddenly. I wondered where that had come from.

"I was thinking about what father told me about true strength. He told me that I need to overcome my weaknesses, and by doing so, I'll become strong." I figured that that would be a safe answer.

"I see." he said pensively, "But you made an addition error. 7+6 doesn't equal 33. Do you still have those stomach cramps?"

"I do Takashi. They haven't gone away yet, but they will. I hope so, because it hurts so much Takashi!" I started tearing as I ran over and clung to him. I didn't care if I was begin weak. I needed a little comfort right now Who said I had to get strong all at once?

He wrapped his arms around me, trying to comfort me. It felt nice.

"Takashi?" I asked, "What do you think true strength is?"

"Why do you want this knowledge?" He replied

"I need it to..." I couldn't tell him that I needed to know so that I could prove to Dad that I'm strong. that would be childish. "To be a good leader of the family some day."

That answer seemed to satisfy him, although I couldn't tell if he believed me or not. He gave me one sentence.

"I think true strength means living your life honestly."

"I don't understand."

"That's okay. In my opinion, understanding it is the first step to becoming truly strong. But I could be wrong."

"Like knowledge is power? I wish I understood you I need to become strong as soon as I can! Ooooh!" My stomach cramped really painfully just then. I was definitely going to be sick.

"Mitsukuni? Are you alright?" Takashi looked at me with concerned eyes.

"Bath... Room..." I managed to say before feeling the vomit rise in my throat.

Takashi rushed me to the nearest bathroom and got me over the toilet just in time for me to let loose my lunch. I felt disgusting. I had just been sick, I was weak, and I was relying so heavily on Takashi when I should be able to take care of myself. I was already in high school, for goodness sake! I retched over the toilet again, coughing up more bile. The cramps disappeared, but I was left feeling dizzy and physically weak. Standing was a lot of effort. I thought I was going to faint. Looking back, it's quite impressive that I didn't.

Takashi caught me before I fell over and brought me to my bed.

"I'll let your family know that you will not be joining them for supper. Do not even try to leave this bed, Mitsukuni. Homework can wait. Training can wait. Just sleep. It'll help you feel better sooner." he spoke softly to comfort me. I am grateful for his kindness, even now.

When Takashi left the room, I fell into fevered dreams.

* * *

><p>I woke up some time later, shivering, seating, and crying. I was frozen, despite being wrapped in several blankets. When did those get there? I was going to be sick again. I turned to get out of bed, but I saw a puke bucket on the bedside table. I reached for it and retched into it a few times. I continued to cry, feeling absolutely awful. I felt bad for Takashi too, taking care of me like this. It couldn't be pleasant.<p>

Takashi, who was sleeping in a chair beside my ed, woke up when he heard me crying and retching.

"Mitsukuni, are you alright?"" That damned question again. Why does he have to care so much?

""You-you-you're so nice to me, Takashi. I don't know why, and I don't deserve it. I haven't earned it. I'm not strong enough. I can't keep sweets and bunnies and flowers and cake and anything cute out of my mind! It's too hard! It's making me crazy! It hurts! It really hurts..." I trailed off and dry heaved into the puke bucket. There was nothing left in me to throw up, not even extra water.

"It's okay, Mitsukuni. This will pass. You've been in bed for two days with a 40 degree (103/104 F) fever. You shouldn't push yourself so hard right now. Saying such things will make it worse. You will feel better, just give it some time. Maybe you will come to understand true strength y the end of..."

I passed out and didn't hear the rest of what he was saying. Apparently that had happened quite a few times over the few days I was in bed with a high fever.

My last dreams were of my grandmother and the bunny she knitted for me. I loved Usa-chan. He was my favourite of every stuffed animal I owned. He made me feel safe when I was a little kid. I really wanted to play with him again,

The next time I woke up, I felt a lot better. Takashi was sitting next to me, his hand on my forehead., probably checking my temperature. He had some dry toast next to him, and offered it to me when he determined that my fever had finally broken. When I tried to st up, I got really dizzy, probably because I hadn't eaten in more than two days.

Takashi caught me and helped me up so that I could eat. I was partway through the first quarter piece of toast when I noticed Usa-chan sitting in my lap. He must have noticed me looking, because he answered the question before I could ask it.

"He helped me break your fever, Mitsukuni. Once I put him in your arms, your ceased eyebrows relaxed ad your ravings quieted, You were ranting deliriously about true strength until I gave you Usa-chan, then you fell asleep. It's been four days since you got sick. You should drink some water while you can. You must be severely dehydrated by now. Just take it really slowly."

"Thanks, Takashi." I paused for a minute while I sipped the water and nibbled my toast. I stopped after a half of a piece. My stomach had shrunk, so I was already full. "I had a dream about Usa-chan. Grandma too. I missed him. I'm glad he's here right now. You too, Takashi." Even if Usa-chan won't be allowed for much longer, it's nice to see him one last time. "I'm going to sleep now."

I went to sleep, and was able to go back to school the ext day. I had missed the weekend, so it was a whole new week starting. As long as I didn't go to clubs until I was back to full health, my parents reluctantly agreed to let me attend class.. The week after, I was allowed to go back and train in the dojo and participate in clubs.

* * *

><p>After club that Monday, Takashi tried to talk to me again during the walk home.<p>

"Are you alright, Mitsukuni?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"You're looking a little pale.""

I couldn't tell him that I'd been stressing myself out too much about Usa-chan and trying to get stronger. It couldn't be all that bad to like sweet and cute things like Dad says. After all, Usa-chan did help me to get better.

Maybe that's what Takashi meant about true strength?

"Well, it's nothing to worry about. I think I finally started to understand what you meant about your true strength. It means that I'm allowed to like sweet and cute things, right? Just not a lit and not in public so that I don't embarrass the family. Imagine what Chika would say! Accepting that I'm allowed to like it sometimes is what makes me strong, right?" I inquired. That just had to be it.

"That's a good start, Mitsukuni."

So that's not it? It must be close, but what am I missing?

When we got home, I went straight to the dojo. Now that I'm able to participate in clubs again, Dad can test my abilities to be the next leader of the family again. I fought him with ll of my skill and strength, even thinking about the cute and sweet things that will sometimes make me strong, but I was still not strong enough to beat him. We fought for a long time, but I eventually lost. Even if Dad said that I was improving greatly, I still felt inadequate and worthless. Why was it taking so long?

And this is where my speculations severely diverge from the truth. With Tama-chan helping me to see what true strength is, I was able to beat my Dad that day. Without Tama-chan's help, I would have surely lost and continued in my depressing ruminations, still unable to become the head of the Haninozuka household if my time were to come so soon.

These thoughts of inadequacy would severely depress me. I would go back to trying to become strong the way that my Dad had told me to. I would turn my head if I saw bunnies and hearts. I would shy away from desserts and sweets. Sugar would be taken completely out of my diet. Every time I threw away that sweet substance, my stomach started to cramp, almost as if it were craving those delicious white crystals.

I would spend those days in a haze, trying to be strong, but not being able to focus on anything else because true strength would be taking up all of my thoughts. That's what Dad said, right? The only thing on the mind of someone who is truly strong is strength and duty. I would have strength and duty constantly on my mind, though probably not in the way I needed it.

After two weeks of barely eating anything (the cramps would get so bad that I couldn't stomach anything), I would challenge my father again. A truly strong person shouldn't even need that much nourishment. Food could be seen as a weakness, something that the body is dependant on.

Takashi would have been watching me closely,, especially seeing me grow thinner every day as I continued to starve.

I would have wanted to be proud of my strength. My Dad would acknowledge me as the next heir as soon as I had beaten him that night.

When I challenge my Dad, he always looks at me first, to measure my health (especially after I got sick that one time), and to measure my confidence. I know that if I had challenged him in such a starved state, he would deny it immediately for the sake of my health. A broken and bruised leader is no good as a leader.

He would probably confront me about it the second I asked.

"You have gotten frail, Mitsukuni. Where is the strength that you had the last time we fought? You were progressing marvellously back then. Right now, Yasuchika would probably e able to beat you, and that has never happened before." he would tell me

This would just raise my stress levels, and mess with my blood pressure. I wouldn't have any reserves left to balance all of the fluctuations in my body.

Likely, I would collapse on the floor in front of him, scaring him and the always watchful Takashi who was probably waiting for me in the room over.

"Mitsukuni! What's wrong?" my Dad would worriedly shout.

Takashi would rush in to save the day.

He would shake me roughly and try to wake me up. "Mitsukuni, wake up now! Can you hear me?"

Turning to my father, he would probably ask permission to save my life.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Haninozuka. Mitsukuni hasn't been feeling well lately, despite what he has tried to make you believe. He has secretly been throwing up the light meals he's been eating because, for some reason, he can't stomach the food. I imagine it has something to do with his extreme desire to become strong. I knew that there was something wrong, but he refused to give me any information.

"Will you let me take him to the hospital to prevent further starvation and sickness?"

I might hear some of it, but I would have no energy to move or respond to any of his statements about me or my health.

I would be happy to hear these things from a friend, to know that he was worried, but at the same time...

"Very well then." Dad would consent, "Please, Takashi Morinozuka, save my son."

"Thank you, sir."

* * *

><p>There is no way that I would have remained conscious all the way to the hospital, and so I would wake up attached to machines, trying to keep me alive despite my malnutrition.<p>

Since Usa-chan helped me last time, there is little doubt that Takashi would bring him to the hospital for me while I was sleeping. I would wake with him in my arms and scream

"Mitsukuni! Are you alright?" Why does he keep asking me that?

"Why is Usa-chan here? Why? It hurts! Everything hurts! My tummy, my chest, my heart, and my head! It all hurts! I can't have Usa-chan here! He's cute and I need to be strong and he can't be here because I like him and he's cute and I need him! Take him away! Get him away from me! Make Usa-chan leave, or I can never be strong!" I would cry.

Takashi would just gaze at me with tear-filled eyes. ""Mitsukuni, you aren't making any sense. You are telling me to take Usa-chan away eve though you need him here to help you get better? You don't need to be strong right now."

"I must always be strong! I am a Haninozuka! I must always be on my guard! I... Haha.. Always need to... Haha.. Strong... Ahahahaheehee!" I would be laughing uncontrollably. Insane laughter. The type that means someone has lost his mind.

I wouldn't really be aware of my surroundings, just the stress of Usa-chan. I wouldn't notice the slight pinch on my arm or the doctor talking to Takashi.

"This is a very mild sedative, and we only gave him a child's dose. He should only be out for half an hour at the most. If he continues to pull the cords and harm himself, he may need to be strapped down or relocated.."

I would pass out in the hospital bed, only to wake up (probably half an hour later) without Usa-chan. With any luck, I wouldn't even remember the last time I had woken up.

"Mitsukuni, how do you feel?" I guess he's moved on from asking if I'm aright, because I clearly am not if I am in the hospital.

"Absolutely fine." I'd reply.

Too bad I'd be past the point of Takashi accepting my lies.

"Don't bullshit me! You haven't been eating, and what you have, you've been puking up. I know you aren't bulimic because you fit none of the other symptoms, but why didn't you just tell me about whatever is bugging you so that I could help you? Why did this happen in the first place? You're on IV nutrition to prevent any further damage to your system and to keep you alive. I'm sorry that I couldn't have been there for you. If you couldn't trust me, then I must not have been a very good friend to you." the normally stoic boy would be crying, holding my hand, and trying to gain my forgiveness while simultaneously being angry with me. One of those problems, I could solve.

"No no no, Takashi! You have it all wrong. It's my fault. I didn't mean to not eat, but I just wouldn't keep the food down. I tried! It was always hurting, and I always felt sick after I ate. Sometimes, I felt so sick that I threw up afterwards. I'm sorry I couldn't rely on you, but I needed to be strong. I still need to be strong, The only way to be strong is to do it by myself. I can't have any weakness, and getting help from other people means that I'm too weak by myself. I need to be strong to become the head of the Haninozuka household when it is my time." I would explain. I can't let Takashi keep thinking that this is his fault in any way.

I know that saying this would hurt him, but he deserves the truth. He would start to cry at my bedside and I would fall asleep in exhaustion after admitting all of that.

"You don't prove strength by doing everything yourself. It takes a much stronger person to trust someone else."

Once again, I wake up in the hospital bed. Takashi was gone, probably for the bathroom or to get himself some food or coffee. He can sleep anywhere, and would probably stay in the chair as long as the hospital staff let him.

I would decide to use the temporary lack of supervision to move around, get my muscles working again. What a bad idea that would be. I'd collapse after only a few steps and bleed a little from removing the IV. I would be weak. Physically, very weak. I had never been that before. It would make me feel absolutely pathetic.

I would begin to laugh at how ridiculous it all was. How could I be so useless that I couldn't even walk on my own anymore? I couldn't control the insane laughter coming from me when Takashi came back into the room, coffee in hand.

He would rush to my side, worried, and try to snap me out of it. "Mitsukuni..."

I would be laughing and crying at the same time. "I can't help it! I'm so pathetic! I can't even make it halfway across the room on my own anymore! I can't live without these fucking tubes in my arms! And I never swear! I shouldn't be alive! I don't deserve to live! I should probably just... just... Hahahaha!"

The doctor would walk in with straps and order the nurses to restrain me.

""I thought with out Usa-chan..." Takashi would cry.

"He has more triggers than just a stuffed bunny, It would seem." The doctor would tell Takashi. He would then turn to me, smile, and begin using a cheerful voice, "You're going to get a new room, Mr. Haninozuka. Isn't that good news? This one will even be painted a nice colour for you. Does blue sound nice to you?" I would keep laughing while the doctor explained to me about my new rooming assignment. I would be too far gone to take it in.

"He is a threat to himself, so we will need to relocate him, with or without his parents' permission. It is unfortunate, but we have no choice at this point. We can't continuously sedate him and hope for the best."

I would continue to laugh until I exhausted myself and fell asleep, hoping that I would never wake.

* * *

><p>Wow, that's pretty dark. Especially for me. I like being happy! Bunnies and cakes and PINK! Because I'm a boy, they'd give me a blue room, even though <em>pink<em> is my favourite colour! How ridiculous is that?

If I'd never met Tama-chan, maybe something like that would have happened, but maybe my thoughts are just being too dramatic since they're safe inside my head. Tucked away in a safe place, never to come true.

Either way, I'm glad that things turned out the way that they did. I was so obsessed back then, that I didn't even realize that it was unrealistic to expect myself to be prepared to take on the family name at the age of 15. 15! For goodness sake! That's just ridiculous. Right now, I'm just glad I'm me. I'm happy the way I am. I like sweets. I like bunnies. I like the colour pink. Most of all, I LOVE EVERYTHING CUTE! No one can take me away from me. I am honest with myself, and that is what makes me truly strong. Tama-chan and his host club helped me to see that when I wouldn't listen to Takashi.

I will forever be grateful for the friends I made in high school and all of the experiences that we shared. not just Tama-chan, but also Kyo-chan, Haru-chan, and Hika-chan and Kao-chan. They are all really important to me, and Tama-chan is the one that brought us all together (even though Haru-chan was an unplanned addition to our group).

I'm glad I know them all, and I'm glad I'm me.

Now to get rid of the bill and all of these cake crumbs. I don't want Takashi on my case about eating a _whole_ cake before supper again. That just isn't fun.


	4. Haruhi's Thoughts

_Haruhi's Thoughts_

I sighed with contentment as I packed my briefcase for the end of the trial. Once again, I had been victorious. All the commitment and hard work that I had put into this case had paid off. Now I can go home and start supper so that Tamaki doesn't starve. Honestly, he should learn how to cook for himself, at least some small things. He isn't _that_ incompetent most of the time. Oh well. It's always a losing battle. Should I even try again?

And regardless of what I make, regardless of whether or not it's even appropriate, he's going to stubbornly insist that Kyouya and I eat with the kotatsu. I know that it's just one of those things he and Kyouya do, but why drag me into it? And didn't Kyouya have some sort of really important meeting tonight? Tamaki doesn't ave a lick of common sense, does he. Of course Kyouya won't refuse an offer from a friend, but he should really be at whatever important meeting instead. He can come see us any time he wants when he doesn't have important business matters to take care of.

And what if he invited the others too? I sighed again as I left the courthouse. I decided to take a detour through the park on the way home while thinking about what extra preparations I needed to make for this evening. If Hunny and Mori are coming, I'll need to prepare some chocolate and strawberry cakes. There won't be time for that, so I can send Tamaki with only _just enough_ money for the cakes so that he doesn't try to buy more useless crap, sorry, I mean "commoner's items." At least he knows which cakes are the good cakes.

For the twins, I'll have to make sure that I serve at least one of their favourite foods, or they won't eat anything. Those two are just so picky! Maybe I could do something like a hotpot? That way everyone can eat what they like, and Mori won't have to be after Hunny all the time to stop eating sweets. Yeah, that could work.

I broke out of my musings and took notice of my surroundings. This was the same park that I had collapsed in that day I was sick in high school. I guess he kind of saved me that day? It was just a cold, but he likes to think he was really heroic and stuff. Usually it's best to just let him believe what he wants. It's a lot easier that way and it takes the stress off of us. He can flounder around in his "Mind Theatre" and romanticize it all he wants. He found me, he brought me home, and I learned that I liked him.

He really proved himself as a great guy. It only took a while to see it because he used such silly behaviour most of the time. Knowing why he did it, I can't really blame him, but that doesn't mean that I won't call it what it is. Obnoxious.

He's hardly changed since high school, and I'm not sure that I would want him to. After all, he did save me from becoming a complete recluse.

How far would I have gone if he hadn't forced me to join his stupid club?

* * *

><p>It was still the beginning of the school year when I was accidentally forced into the host club. I was looking for a quiet place to study because the stupid rich kids were loud and had no concept of common courtesy. Libraries are for reading and studying! Not socializing!<p>

Music room 3 looked deserted and most certainly not used for music. I walked in and found the host club, where I proceeded to break a vase and accumulate a massive debt. If Tamaki wasn't around, then there wouldn't have been a host club. Music Room 3 would probably remain as empty as I was expecting it to be when I walked in to find a place to study.

It was off in a farther corner of one of the buildings, so students never really had a reason to wander out that way. Dust was strewn over the blankets and cobwebs were in between the furniture. I didn't think that such a rich school would let a room get this dusty, but if that means that it won't be disturbed, then this room can be as dusty as it wants. I can tidy it up before I study each day. If I did a little at a time, then it wouldn't be too long before it was completely clean.

The only problem is the lack of desks. It is a music room, after all. Who needs desks? But it does have a large windowsill the size of two or three desks, and it has a piano bench for the piano. That's close enough for me.

During my years at high school, I would study hard and remain at the top of my class until graduation. I wouldn't have joined any clubs because I didn't want to have to deal with the bratty rich kids. I was invisible to the student body. No one knew who I was, and I didn't even have a school uniform. It was a waste of money. I'm pretty sure that everyone would have still thought that I was a boy at graduation despite my female name and female student card and female body on physical day. Not that it really matters who's a boy and who's a girl, anyways. Never mind all that, I wouldn't have made friends because I wouldn't have wanted to associate with any of these stupid rich kids.

Social skills, like all other skills, deteriorate if they are unused.

I had high grades, but no extra-curricular activities, and few references. Some universities don't really care about anything but marks, right? Some place would probably accept me for law school after I do the required undergraduate degree first.

The undergraduate degree would not be a problem. I know that I can study and learn whatever I need to. The entry to law school is what would be the hard art. This is where social and communication skills became necessary. These sorts of programs are quite competitive, so the interviews matter quite a lot. One needs to show charisma, intelligence, and the ability to adapt to various unexpected situations.

I learned all of those things in the host club.

Without the host club, I doubt I would have been able to pass these interviews. So much for getting a job quickly after school, despite my impressive grades though high school and my undergraduate degree.

The Universities always say to wait a couple of weeks for phone calls about acceptances. No doubt I wouldn't have received any back. I know my personality and attitude. I'm blunt and I'm not afraid to honestly speak my mind. That has gotten me into trouble before, and I know that they look for subtlety when thinking about taking on future lawyers. Subtlety and intelligent use of information.

I could do one of the above.

After four years, Dad died. It was no one's fault, just unlucky genetics. It hurt for a while, and I grieved, but I knew that I had to support myself now. Until I could go to law school and get a job as a lawyer (there is no way that I would stop being stubborn and give up on my dream), I would work at Maratomi Mart to save up for school. It's also a practice at being social too, right?

I had Dad buried next to Mom. I could bring flowers to them together when I visited once per week. I knew I needed to move on with my life, but that didn't mean that I couldn't visit them once in a while. It felt a little more personal than just keeping their pictures in a small shrine in my apartment.

After a couple of years working at Maratomi Mart, I would begin to accept the fact that maybe law school was not for me. I'm stubborn, but I do know when my expectations are unreasonable. If they haven't taken me in the past seven years, why would they take me now? I spent my savings on books.

Fiction, fantasy, textbooks, criminal mysteries, whatever I felt like reading. Reading was a hobby that I could always enjoy, and it followed me from childhood into the adulthood I am in now. When I'm reading, I get so lost in the story, that I forget about everything else around me.

Thanks to these habits, I would probably end up missing some shifts at Maratomi Mart. I would be fired after missing too many. Then there would be rent to pay. If I wasn't working at Maratomi Mart, then what income did I have? could get a job, but I'd want to finish the chapter first.

Eventually, the eviction notices would come. I wouldn't have the money to pay, so I would pack up and leave. It would be sad, leaving my Dad's house, but if I can't pay for it, then I don't really have much of a choice.

Where would I go? The park has soft grass. I could stay there while I search for a job and a new place to live. I still had my clothes and my books, so I would be alright for a short while. I would sleep on the bench that first night, then go job hunting in the morning, books or no books.

Only a few problems with that plan.

The first: getting robbed at night.

The second: most places won't hire homeless people who have only one set of clothes (clean or otherwise)

The third: I would not sink as low aw prostitution.

I would have lost everything with no hope to get my life back on track. I know that there are probably programs and soup kitchens and things to help, but I'm not sure that I would really care enough to go there anymore.

I couldn't be a lawyer, I had no family, no place to stay, no friends, no books, no money, just the grass under my back. I would get hungry, and with hunger, I'd become tired. After a couple of days, the hunger pains would go away, and I'd start to frequently fall asleep due to the lack of energy brought on by starvation.

I would still think of nice things, of food. Soup, melons, rice balls, sushi, omelets, butterfish, crab, lobster, fancy tuna...

I would fall asleep dreaming of these things. At least these thoughts would keep me distracted from the depressing reality for a while.

Until one night or day. One nap, I wouldn't wake up from. No one would know who I was, and I'm not even sure that I'd get a burial. Perhaps they'd throw my body away for compost. Perhaps I would be buried, though. An unmarked grave in the nearest, cheapest cemetery. Alone in death, alone in life, never to be remembered. I would be invisible, just like I had been in high school.

* * *

><p>I shivered. God! Where did all that come from? I don't do angst. Not like that. That's Tamaki's thing, being all melodramatic. I'm the practical one of the two of us. He's the dramatic idiot who can't think his way through anything.<p>

I let out a breath to try to calm myself down. I know we have the broth at home, so all I need to pick up for dinner are a bunch of vegetables and some of whatever meat is on sale..

As much as I complain about them, Tamaki and the other hosts are pretty good people. They helped me (and I'm sure that everyone but Tamaki knows it) to achieved my dream of becoming a lawyer. They helped me to open up and develop the skills that I would need later on for my career. Without them, I don't know exactly what would have happened, but I most certainly would not have become a lawyer.

Right now, though, I need to surround myself with my friends just to rush away this depressing atmosphere. I can't believe I let myself think like that.

Well, too late to fix that now. I'll just buy the vegetables, go home, put on dinner, and wait for the guests to arrive.

Maybe I'll surprise Tamaki and be a little more affectionate with him tonight. I do suppose I owe him. He helped me to get where I am now, and he is my husband. He deserves a small treat every now and then.

After all, my life would be nothing without Tamaki Suoh.


End file.
